At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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