Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
