saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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