Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
