Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
