Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
