I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
