I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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