Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
