you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
