I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
