My Higher Power is John Stamos
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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