Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
