His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
We named our party play list daddy issues
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
