; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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