Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
We had to coat check the pizza.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
