paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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