I'm sorry my penis didn't work
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
