Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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