someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
