uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
