I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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