barbara walters just said penis...
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
