Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
