I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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