My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
