ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
it was like eating out sand paper
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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