My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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