Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
