she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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