I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
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