i love accidental penises.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
