you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
