mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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