Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
