After last night, I could never be a politician.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
