even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
