hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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