I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
why do cheetos always look like penises
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
