I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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