she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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