he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
