Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
