Nicole vs. Life
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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