I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
