I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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