Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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