Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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