I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
