: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
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